Define Reality
by HM03GAMER
Summary: Jean's life is made difficult when a little voice in his head starts talking to him. He ends up in Trost Psychiatric Facility, where he meets a hopeful new intern who is trying to fix all his problems. Mental Institution AU filled with angst, prescription drugs and stupid feelings.


_Rise and shine sleeping beauty. You don't want to disappoint the nurses again. _

I shook my head slightly as I opened my eyes. Light was already pouring into the room through the window. It was too bright, so opening my eyes was hard. I wish I could have blinds, but nope. Not allowed. I sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I ended up rubbing them for a long time. It felt nice. You know the feeling, when you just can't seem to stop rubbing your eyes.

I finally stopped and swung my legs around so I could sit up on the bed. The mattress was hard and I needed to stretch to get the knots out of my back. They didn't give us nice beds because they didn't want to encourage you to stay any longer than you had to. Which was stupid since we don't get a say in how long we stay, but whatever. I looked at the clock on the wall opposite the bed. Nine o'clock in the morning. Well, ten past nine. But that's okay. I still had twenty minutes to get myself fully awake and dressed.

My night shirt was already lying haphazardly on the floor. I guess I took it off in my sleep last night. Well, one less thing to take off now. I walked over to my closet. It was bigger than I needed; I only had about six shirts and two pairs of pants. Not that I was complaining. I sat in this closet a lot. It was a good hiding spot and sometimes I needed to hide.

_You're taking too long. Hurry it up already._

I realized I had been standing, starting at the floor of the closet. Maybe just a few minutes of sitting in here would make me feel a little better. I glanced back at the clock on the wall. It was nine fifteen. I had only been standing here for five minutes, so I wasn't taking too long. Don't tell me I'm taking too long.

I curled my knees up to my chest as soon as I sat down on the floor of the closet. I could still see the clock on the wall, so I wasn't going to be late. I'd be ready by nine thirty.

_No you won't._

Yes, yes I will. I wasn't going to be late. I had fifteen minutes to pull on some pants and a shirt and make it down to the cafeteria. It was like a three minute walk down the hall. So I could sit here for another five minutes.

_Pathetic_.

I'm pathetic, I know. Sitting in my closet alone at nine eighteen in the morning. Only twelve minute to make it down to the cafeteria. I didn't really want to go anyway, but I had to. Otherwise they'd come looking for me and ask me why I was sitting on the floor. And I didn't want to tell them why because that'd ruin the hiding spot.

At nine twenty three I was finally able to pull myself off the floor and grab a shirt from the hanger. It was one of my favorites: a black t shirt with the Jack Daniels logo on the front. I knew some of the nurses didn't like it when I wore this shirt, but I didn't care. It was my favorite and I could wear whatever I wanted to.

I pulled on my jeans and laced up my shoes. Looking in the mirror, I saw what looked like a bird's nest on top of my head. My hair was weird, all light on the top and dark on the bottom. I didn't know why it was colored like that but I kind of liked it. I always had an undercut, because it made the different colors a lot more pronounced. But now the hair on top of my head looked like a dead animal. It was trying to go in every direction at the same time. I quickly patted it down to attempt to make myself not look like a homeless person. I glanced at that damn clock again. Nine twenty eight. Shit.

I abandoned my attempt at making my hair look presentable and quickly left my room. The halls were nearly empty, save a few nurses checking to make sure there was no one left in their rooms. I nearly ran down the hall, trying not to draw any attention to myself. I reached the cafeteria at exactly nine thirty.

_You're lucky this time, Kirstein._

I sat down at my normal table. It was my table, and this was my seat. We didn't have a choice where we sat so the chair was left empty for me. The seat to my left was occupied by another boy around my age. He was short and his hair was cut so that he looked almost bald. There was already food in front of him and he was shoving it down his throat like he hadn't eaten in years. The seat to my right was still empty. I felt myself tense up a little. He's late again.

_Poor kid, probably will get punished. Something awful. _

No, he won't. Stop thinking stuff like that. At most he'll get scolded by the nurses again. Don't lie to me.

"Eren's late again," said the boy to my left. His name was Connie Springer.

"Big surprise," I said back, looking at the food that was being placed in front of me. I thanked the man who had brought me food quietly as he turned and walked away.

"He's gonna get it one of these days," Connie continued with a mouth full of food. "They're getting real fed up with him and it's only been like two weeks. I heard he tried to bite one of them when they went to get him out of his room. Fucking psycho."

_He's just like you, Jean. Completely mental._

I started picking at my breakfast: an omelet, a piece of toast, and a pre-packaged fruit cup. I decided to start with the omelet, since that was my favorite. Connie was rattling on about something stupid. I decided I didn't want to pay attention to him. He was too loud for this time in the morning. I focused on trying to open the fruit cup. It was a challenge, and I ended up needing to use my teeth to try and pull it open. Little slimy pieces of fruit flew out of the cup when the plastic cover finally decided to come off. The little shits fell into my lap and onto the floor. I grabbed my napkin and tried to clean off my pants. Connie was howling with laughter. I shot him a glare and elbowed him in the ribs.

We chatted for a while. He was telling me about they had lowered his prescription, and that he felt like he'd probably be good to leave soon. At about ten past ten, he fell suddenly fell silent as someone sat down in the seat on my right. We both turned to look at the boy who was staring intently at the table in front of him. Eren Jaeger was his name. He had only gotten admitted to this hell-hole about two weeks ago. The seat he was in had previously been assigned to a boy named Franz, but he had been released because of his improvement. It was good for him, but lonely for me. I had liked him a lot.

_He's probably thankful to be away from you. _

I shook my head and continued to eat my breakfast.

A plate was put down in front of Eren but he didn't start eating, or say thank you to the guy who brought his food. I kept watch on him out of the corner of my eye. I didn't want to start a conversation with him. He looked angry. He always looked angry. It wasn't hard to guess why he had been sent here. Uncontrollable rage and violent tendencies. Apparently he had almost stabbed another kid at his school, but that was just a rumor.

The table was full of other people my age. That's how they separated patients I guess: based on age. I guess they thought it would be easier on all of us if we had people to talk to. Connie was too my left: he had a panic disorder. He'd be fine one minute and just break down the next. He was good most days though. He'd been here a while, but he still wasn't cleared to leave. Beyond him was Ymir, who refused to tell us why she was here, which made me think it was something serious. Next came Krista Lenz, and then Mikasa Ackerman. Both of them had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Apparently some shit had gone down in their homes a while back, and they hadn't ever recovered. Krista cried a lot; Mikasa rarely spoke. I never pressed it; I mean, who'd want to talk about that anyway. I only asked like once. Mikasa made it, um, extremely clear to never ask again. On Eren's right was Sasha Braus who had an eating disorder, coupled with fits of manic behavior, according to her chart. She was a ball of fucking energy all the time which doesn't seem like a problem until she's out of control and can't remember what's going on. Lastly to her right was Annie Leonhart: antisocial personality disorder. Apparently she wasn't allowed out of the streets anymore because they thought she might hurt someone. She looked like she had already probably murdered somebody; she scared me.

_And you, Jean?_

Me? What about me?

_What's wrong with you? Or, what _isn't _wrong with you? It's probably quicker just to tell us how you aren't fucked up in the head. The list of things wrong goes on and on…_

Shut up.

I slammed my face into my hands and pulled at my hair. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Someone please make him shut up.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see a man smiling down at me. His shoulder length blond hair was tied back into a pony tail. He had a few pens sticking out of the pocket of his white coat. Dr. Arlet.

"How're you doing, Jean?" he said softly, smiling widely at me. He must have noticed that I was arguing with myself.

"Fine," I said back.

_Liar. _Shut up.

"Okay, I'll believe you this time," Dr. Arlet laughed. He put a small cup down in front of me that had three small pills in it. "Please make sure you take these before you leave here, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I said, picking up the cup.

_They're just trying to subdue you. Don't take those stupid pills. They mess with your head and make you all foggy. Besides, who's going to talk to you if I can't? It's not like any of these people actually like you. _

I angrily put the cup of pills back down on the table.

What do you mean nobody likes me? That's not true.

_The only reason any of these freaks sit with you is because that's where they're assigned. Who would want to sit next to a fucked up loser like you? _

I'm not fucked up.

_Then why do you have to take those stupid little pills?_

I don't need the pills.

_Good, then don't take them._

Dr. Arlet was walking around to each of the people at my table, putting cups of pills in front of some of them while just talking with others. He had to encourage Sasha to eat her breakfast, telling her she couldn't take her medicine without eating something. He was a nice guy, and he seemed to genuinely care about us. He wasn't much older than we were. Everyone at the table ranged from nineteen to twenty four. Dr. Arlet couldn't have been older than twenty six. It made it easier to talk with him then with one of the older doctors, which was probably why he was assigned to us. He had told me to take these pills before leaving. I didn't want to let him down.

Before I could think more about it, Eren picked up his cup and threw it across the table. It landed right in Annie's food. There was a collective shudder around the table. She looked up slowly from her plate to stare at Eren. You could almost feel the tension between them as her eyes bore into him. Eren was staring right back at her, not seeming to realize that she could probably easily kill him if she wanted to. She looked back down at the cup and the pill that had landed on her plate. She picked them up, putting the pill back into the cup. She put it down on the table next to hers, stood up and left the cafeteria, leaving her own cup still full.

"Hey!" another doctor called. He was a big man, with short blond hair; Dr. Braun. He worked extensively with the 'more distressed' patients. 'More distressed' was the polite way of saying the violent ones. Annie and Eren were good examples of that. He grabbed her cup and chased after her out into the hall. Dr. Arlet had already picked Eren's cup back up and put it down next to him again.

"You need to take this."

"I don't need your shitty medicine. " Eren said angrily back.

"Just take it," said a small voice across the table. Everyone's eyes darted to Mikasa. This was the first thing I'd heard her say in almost a week. "Don't be stupid, Eren."

Eren grunted angrily, before grabbing the cup out of Dr. Arlet's hand and swallowing the pill. He sat there grumpily, still not eating his breakfast.

Connie and I looked at each other. How did we get stuck with this little shit sitting next to us? His shitty behavior did nothing to make our situations better. Connie had been laughing and cheery when I had gotten to the cafeteria, but now he was quiet, looking kind of nervous.

No, don't look like that. It's just Eren being shitty; it's nothing to get upset over.

_Don't bother; like you could cheer him up anyway._

I quickly picked up my cup and took my pills before I could stop myself. I didn't like taking my medicine because it made me foggy, but I didn't need any more of his bullshit today.

"Come on, man," I said, elbowing Connie. "Let's go for a walk."

"Yeah, okay," he said, and we both got up. Sasha stood up also, and the three of us left the hall. Sasha liked being with us. We were good outlets for her energy. She usually helped Connie relax and calm down, but some days she was too much for him to handle. But today seemed like a good day.

* * *

><p>It was gorgeous outside: early summer, sunny skies, warm breeze. The lawn was green and well trimmed. We walked along the path around the building. There were lots of chairs and tables scattered around the lawn. One of the tables was occupied; a middle aged man sat holding hands with an empty looking woman. She just stared at the table, not responding at all to the man as he spoke to her. I didn't recognize either of them, but it was nothing we hadn't seen before. A lot of people had visitors, even when the visitors knew that it was useless trying to talk with them.<p>

Sasha ran ahead of us, glad to be outside on such a great day. Her good mood seemed to rub off on Connie. He went sprinting off too, trying to catching her. I laughed watching the two of them running around on the lawn. I jogged to try to catch up with them.

We spent most of the morning outside, wandering around the grounds, Sasha chasing birds or squirrels like a five year old. It was such a nice day that I didn't mind wasting time out there. We ended up lying down in the grass, staring up at the sky. Sasha was eagerly telling us about all the animals she could see in the clouds. She always acted like a little kid. She had told us about how scared she was to get older, about how all she ever thought about was how eventually we were all going to die, and about how unfair that was. I tried not to think about that. It wasn't hard for me; the thought didn't cross my mind often. She would occasionally break down when they became too much for her to handle.

Connie laughed along with her and traced the clouds with his finger. On good days, it was easy for Connie to keep up with her. But on bad days… Well we didn't talk about the bad days and Sasha had learned to keep her distance when it happened.

I didn't know how to help either of them. I knew I was pretty useless when it came to cheering people up. Luckily Sasha didn't need cheering up very often, and Connie was okay with just sitting in silence, taking deep breaths. They were my best friends in the world. I almost felt like they legitimately wanted me around. They went out of their way to talk to me, and hang out with me. That's more than anyone did outside of this stupid place. Who wants to talk to the guy who can't even go five minutes without wanting to bang his head against a wall?

_No one._

No one. That's right. Because I'm crazy, and nobody likes crazy.

"Hey, who's that?" Connie's voice halted my train of thought. I lost track of how long we had been laying there, but from the look of the sun, it'd say it'd been at least an hour. I followed his finger and saw a young man in a white coat walking briskly up the walkway from the street towards the main entrance.

"New doctor?" I wondered aloud.

"Cute new doctor?" Sasha piped in next to me. Connie and I both looked at her, eyebrows raised. "What? I can dream."

Connie laughed loudly and pushed himself off the ground. He told us to get up so we could go investigate. We followed him and he walked briskly across the yard. Sasha was humming the _James Bond_ theme next to me, looking like she was on a top-secret mission. She quickly ran ahead of Connie as we reached the side of the building, put her back against the wall, and peaked sneakily around the corner. She looked back at us, shook her head, and motioned for us to go around the corner. I guessed that meant he wasn't there and it was safe for us to go on undetected. I smiled at her antics before rounding the corner.

We walked in through the main entrance. There was no site of any unfamiliar doctors or nurses. Dr. Arlet was standing at the pharmacy counter, talking with the woman behind the glass. When we entered, he turned and smiled to us. I smiled back, glad to see him. I didn't know how he dealt with Eren and could still manage to smile. The guy was like a ray of sunshine.

"Let's ask him!" Sasha said, staring to walk forward, but Connie grabbed her arm.

"Let's continue our investigation ourselves before asking for outside help."

Dr. Arlet noticed the exchange and gave us a questioning look. He started to walk over to us, looking curious.

"Looks like he's onto us," I said quietly so only Connie and Sasha could hear. "Might as well ask him."

"No, that ruins the whole game," Connie said furiously.

"What are you, twelve?"

"I'm twenty years old and am completely allowed to want to go on a top secret mission to gather new, sensitive information about our captures."

I snorted at that. Connie was no better than Sasha sometimes.

"Top secret mission?" Dr. Arlet asked, still smiling.

"Well if we told you, it wouldn't be top secret," Sasha explained.

"I see. I might be able to help with your mission if you let me in on the secret."

"It's for classified personnel only," Connie deadpanned.

"You both are ridiculous," I said, not able to take them seriously. I was more curious about who the new doctor was than interested in investigating it ourselves. But I knew that they'd hate me if I ruined the game.

_And then you'd have no friends._

I shook my head to get rid of that little voice. Dr. Arlet noticed the movement.

"Jean, can you walk with me?"

"No! You're going to take him hostage until we divulge our plan! You can't have him!" Sasha yelled, jumping in front of me.

"I promise it's just a walk and a chat." _More like 'time to give you more drugs'. _"I'll let him return to your mission after, I promise."

I followed Dr. Arlet down the hall away from Connie and Sasha. He didn't say anything for a while, letting us get some distance from the dynamic duo. Finally, once we turned down the hallway towards his office, he began to talk.

"How're you feeling, Jean. Are you doing okay?"

_Loaded question. He knows that you're going to lie and say you're fine._

"I'm fine," I replied despite myself. I hated agreeing with that little voice.

"It looked like you were trying to clear your head back there. Is that right?"

_He sounds like such a pretentious dick. Just ditch this guy._

"No, I was just…." Shit. Dr. Arlet knew that shaking my head like that was a nervous habit because of the little voice. I had extensive talks with him in the past about it. He had noticed it and now we had to talk about _him_ and I really hated talking about _him._

_Idiot._

"It's okay to not be okay, Jean. I'd like you to tell me what's going on inside your head."

_Tell him to suck my dick. Tell him._

No, why would I say that? He's trying to help me. Why can't you just shut up?

_Because you'd miss me too much. No one else wants to talk to a pathetic psycho like you._

That's not true. Stop saying that, it's not true.

_I bet Connie and Sasha are having so much fun together. Without you. They don't need you. They're happy just the two of them. Don't you want them to be happy? No one needs you Jean, might as well just off yourself now and–_

"No!" I yelled suddenly. I whipped my head around, trying to slam it into the wall, trying to shut that stupid voice inside my head up. Before I knew what was going on, Dr. Arlet's arms were around me, holding my arms behind my back, not letting me move.

"Calm down, Jean," he whispered urgently. I struggled to try to get away from him. I needed to shut him up.

_Hurt yourself, Jean. Hit your head against the wall. You're pathetic, you know. You're worthless._

"Shut up!" I yelled. I could hear Dr. Arlet calling out over his shoulder, asking someone to come help him. "Why can't you ever just shut up!"

_He needs help controlling you, you monster. They're gonna stick needles in you and make you sleep while they pick at your brain. _

"Get off me," I spat at Dr. Arlet. I didn't want them to cut my head open. That's what was going to happen. They were going to go looking around in my brain. Dr. Braun came sprinting around the corner, followed by a tall, nervous looking man in scrubs. Dr. Braun took Dr. Arlet's place, holding my arms down, away from my head. Dr. Arlet positioned himself in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders.

"Jean, you're fine. Please calm down. No one is going to hurt you. We just need you to stop fighting, okay?"

_He's lying. He's going to hurt you._

"Let go of me!" I yelled, tasting salty water in my mouth from the tears that were pouring out of my eyes. If he didn't stop it, that voice was going to drive me insane. I didn't want to do this anymore. "Make him shut up! I can't take it."

"Bert, hurry up," Dr. Braun said to the man beside him. Bert was filling a syringe from a little glass bottle.

_See, what did I tell you? They're going to make you sleep now._

"No please," I begged, staring at Dr. Arlet. "Don't do it, please. Don't hurt me."

_Begging? You're pathetic._

"Jean, no one is going to hurt you. I promise. We don't need to give you anything," Dr. Arlet looked up at Bert, who was standing ready with the needle. "He'll calm down; I believe he can calm down."

"Armin, we have to," Dr. Braun said behind me.

"No, wait another minute," Dr. Arlet said, looking back at me and keeping his eyes fixed on mine. "Jean, you can calm yourself down, right? We don't need to give you anything, do we?"

"No," I said quietly, trying to slow my breathing. "Please," I added. I closed my eyes and took deep, slow breaths. That's what Dr. Arlet always said to do when I panic. Slow, deep breaths. It was just in my head. No one was going to hurt me. I'm fine. Calm down.

"See, he's fine. Let go of him, Reiner." Dr. Braun's hands released my arms and he took a step back. Dr. Arlet was still holding my shoulders, looking me straight in the eye. I couldn't meet his eyes, ashamed of myself for slipping up again. "Jean, can I ask you about him?"

I knew saying no meant that I'd get the needle. I had to cooperate with him, I didn't have a choice. I slowly nodded. Dr. Arlet told the other two that he could take it from here, and Dr. Braun and Bert left. He led me down the hall to his office. Slightly hesitantly, I sat down in my normal chair across the coffee table from his. He was busy fixing us a pot of coffee.

"What made you want to deal with crazy people anyway," I said dryly. I didn't understand why anyone would ever want his job. Dealing with people's problems and meltdowns every day? Didn't sound like a good career choice to me.

"You're not crazy, Jean." Typical response. I knew I was crazy, he didn't have to lie to me. "Coffee?" he asked, holding up the pot. I nodded and he poured out two cups. Placing one down on the table in front of me, along with a few sugar packets and creamers, he sat in his chair. I picked up the cup, not adding any cream or sugar, and took a sip. When he finished fixing his, he sat back and looked over his mug at me, but didn't say anything.

"I just don't get why anyone would want your job."

"It's rewarding. I get to see all of you grow and improve and get better."

"And deal with us when we break," I added quietly.

"It's my turn to ask questions," he said, leaning forward in his chair, obviously wanting to change the subject. "What happened back there?" I shrugged. He knew exactly what happened. I didn't need to explain it to him. "Jean," he said, sounding a bit sterner than before, "What happened?"

"I just wanted him to be quiet…" I muttered so he could barely hear me.

"Is he bad today?" I nodded, and he continued. "What kind of things is he telling you?"

"That I'm worthless," I answered quietly. I didn't want to say it out loud. Truth was, I agreed with the voice. I was pretty worthless.

"Well you should know that's not true."

I looked away from him. He could tell me that all he wanted, but it wasn't going to help. I knew how worthless I was. I knew how much no one really cared about me. It had always been that way. My parents were too busy for me, the few friends I had before coming here never seemed to care if I wasn't with them. Everybody was happy going on with their lives without me. It was easy for them.

"Yeah, you're right," I lied. It was easier to tell him what he wanted to hear. It made this go by faster. Make them think you're okay, and you get to go home. That's what Ymir always said.

"I don't think actually you believe me." I looked at him again. He was sipping his coffee, not taking his eyes off mine. He had a way of reading people's minds. He knew what we were thinking all the time. It was kind of scary.

"No, I don't. I'm worthless. Why else would I be here?"

"Are you saying everyone who's here is worthless, Jean?"

"No! Of course not!" How could he say that? I didn't think Connie was worthless. Or Sasha. Or any of them. They were really important to me. How could he even suggest they were worthless? Did he think they were? He probably thought we all were worthless.

"Tell me more about him."

"Like what?"

"When does he talk to you?"

"He answers whenever I ask a question. He likes to comment of things I'm doing. He likes to talk to other people too, but they don't talk to him, so he tells me to say things for him."

"Do you ever say things for him? Does he try to talk to me?"

"He told me to tell you to suck his dick." I paused, and took a sip of my coffee. I was almost hoping to offend Dr. Arlet. That's what he got for thinking we were worthless.

"Anything else he wants to say?"

Well, is there anything else you want to say?

No one said anything back. Of course he wouldn't talk when I wanted him to. I had thought in the past that maybe Dr. Arlet could have a conversation with him, try to get him away from me. But it never worked. He never responded. He only would be there when I didn't want him.

"No, nothing else."

He looked like he was about to start talking again, but there a knock on the door. It opened slightly and another nurse in blue scrubs poked her head inside the office.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Arlet. Your schedule said you'd be free around now."

"It's fine," he said. "What is it?"

"Your intern arrived not too long ago. Erwin just finished giving him a tour of the facility and wanted you to meet up with them."

"Right, yes." Dr Arlet glanced over at me before looking back to the nurse. "I'll go in a few minutes, where are they?"

"Cafeteria,"

"Thank you, Rico."

The door closed and Dr. Arlet looked over at me again. He seemed like he was thinking hard.

"I'll be fine," I said quickly, "I'll just go meet up with Connie and Sasha."

"I'd like make sure you're alright before you go," he said.

"Trust me, I'm fine. So much better than before."

_Why would he trust you? You're crazy._

I made sure not to move and shake my head this time. I didn't need to give him a reason to keep me here any longer.

After a few more minutes and too many more questions, he finally let me leave with the promise that he'd be by my room later to make sure I was alright and asked me to stay inside for the rest of the day. I walked back out into the hall and headed towards the main entrance. I had to find Connie and Sasha, so I figured I'd start my search there. I was lucky. They were sitting cross-legged on the floor. As I neared them, Sasha looked over and bounced to her feet. Not bothering to ask me what had taken so long, she demanded we make our way to the cafeteria early so that we could convince them to let her change seats with Eren for lunch. We had tried it before, to no avail, but she wasn't deterred. Laughing, Connie and I followed her down the hallway. There were still twenty minutes until lunch was being served, but we sat down at our table anyway, Sasha occupying Eren's seat.

"I have vital new information to add to the investigation," I said, causing Sasha to squeak with excitement and latch to my arm.

"You didn't ask Dr. Arlet did you?" Connie asked suspiciously, "Because that would be cheating."

"I didn't ask him anything! It's just something I overheard while in his office."

"He took you all the way to his office?" From the concern in Connie's voice, I could tell he knew something was up. Dr. Arlet would often take people for walks when he thought something was wrong, but he rarely ever went all the way to his office. That was reserved for more sever situations.

"Yeah, but listen," I continued, trying to keep him from questioning it. "When I was in there, a nurse stopped by to tell him something."

"What did she tell him?" Sasha looked as though she might die with anticipation. This game was one of her favorites. We made a habit of investigating things around the hospital. More accurately: Sasha made a habit of investigating, assisted by Connie, while I followed along. I could never get myself quite as into it as they could.

"Apparently, Dr. Arlet has a new intern."

"Oh God, not another intern." Connie laid his face down dramatically on the table. "They always take everything so seriously and ask the dumbest questions. I don't think I can stand another session with one. Why can't Dr. Arlet just say no to people?"

"I don't think he gets much of a choice. If that's where they're assigned, who's he to say no. I'm pretty sure that call comes from Dr. Smith. But Dr. Arlet is probably the best person to learn from."

"You're getting off track!" Sasha yelled, desperately trying to redirect the conversation back to us discovering who the new guy was. "Is that all you heard, Jean?"

"I also heard," I paused, enjoying the way Sasha was tittering on the edge of her seat, "that they were going to be meeting in the cafeteria." Sasha gasped and wheeled around, looking all over for Dr. Arlet. He was nowhere to be found. "They might have meant the staff cafeteria."

"That's not really a _cafeteria_ though." Connie corrected me. "That's more of just a lounge. If they said cafeteria, I'm sure they meant here. Besides, all the doctors need to be here for lunch."

"That's my seat," said a loud voice from behind Sasha. She jumped and turned to see Eren standing behind her.

"Do you want to trade for lunch? You could sit by Mikasa, and I can sit by Jean and Connie! Everybody wins!"

Eren didn't say anything for a bit, just staring at her. Sasha began to shrink in on herself.

"Why would you want to sit by these losers anyway?"

"Shut the fuck up, Jaeger." I snapped.

"Or what?"

"Or I'll rearrange your face, that's what."

_Good, Jean. Fight him. He's a little shit and has been asking for it. Someone needs to put him in his place. Do it._

I could totally take him. The little shit was a good six inches shorter than me, if not more. I began to stand up, but Connie grabbed by wrist.

"Not worth it, man. Sasha, move over."

"But Connie –"

"Just do it."

I begrudgingly sat back down while Sasha moved over to the seat on Eren's right. Eren sat and began to mindlessly play with a napkin that was lying on the table in front of him. That shut us up for a while. Gradually, the rest of our table started to file in and conversation starting up again. Connie and I chatted to Ymir about how nice it was outside. She had gone for a walk with Krista around the building. The two of them were close, and it seemed like they were becoming more than just good friends. No one brought it up to them though. The second 'unspoken' rule of the hospital was 'Don't Date Other Patients'. That came closely behind the first rule: 'Don't Ask What's Wrong With Them', and was followed by 'Don't Try to Date the Doctors'. The rules were there for a reason, even though people broke them quite often, especially the first one.

_Jean, can you see me? Look over here. _

I whipped by head around. It sounded like someone was whispering to me from across the room. I didn't see anyone there, but the voice still was whispering.

_Jean, can you help me? I need your help, please._

It wasn't him. It was a different voice; a girl's voice. She sounded scared. I couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from, but it was somewhere across the room. There were a lot of people coming into the cafeteria now, making it hard to see. I decided I should go check. I stood up from the table and started to walk towards to doors.

"Jean, where are you going?" I heard Connie's voice behind me, but that wasn't important. She needed help.

_It hurts. Please make them stop. They're hurting me._

"Who? Who's hurting you?"

_They are. They're going to hurt you too, Jean. They're going to pick at your brain._

I felt a hand on my head, parting my hair. It was touching my scalp. Cold hands were trying to pull open my head.

"Get off me!" I yelled, swatting away the hand. It didn't help; the fingers were still touching my head.

_Don't listen to her, Jean. _It was him again. _ They're going to help you. They need your brain, that's all they want._

But I don't want them to have my brain. They can't take that. Get off me.

_Let them take it, Jean._

"No!" I yelled, wheeling around, trying desperately to try to get the hands off my head. I felt more hands. Hands grabbing my arms, holding them down.

_They're going to make you sleep now._

I felt a sharp pain in my arm and everything was swimming. I was drifting, the room spinning around me. They're going to take away my brain. I needed that. I had to investigate with that. Connie and Sasha needed me to have a brain. They thought it was important.

_Goodnight, Jean._

Everything faded away.

* * *

><p>"This is his second episode today. I think we need to consider solitary for a while."<p>

"He's never showed improvement in solitary. I think keeping him on Prolixin and just raising the dosage would show better progress."

"I'm not considering it for his benefit, but for the other patients' safety. Besides, he's already at 12 mg."

"Try 16 mg. One more and we'll discuss what else we can do."

They were talking about me. I didn't have it in me to open my eyes. Everything still felt fuzzy. My mouth was dry and my arms felt tired. Maybe if I stayed quiet and lay here long enough, they'd go away.

"Jean, are you still with us?" Still with who? Who was talking to me? "Jean, come on, open your eyes. Stay awake." Was I awake? It felt like I was sleeping. Slowly, I opened my eyes. I was sitting, not lying down like I thought I was. And I was still in the cafeteria, just blocked from view by a curtain.

"What's going on?"

"Can you not remember?" Dr. Arlet was squatting in front of me, at eye level. He picked up my arm and took my pulse. "Tell me what you remember, Jean."

"I was sitting with Connie."

"And then?"

"And then what?" What was he talking about?

"You were sitting with Connie, and then what happened?" Dr. Arlet prompted.

"I always sit with Connie. Our seats are next to each other."

"Right, okay." Dr. Arlet was smiling like always. I smiled back. "Let's get you back to the table. Lunch is almost over."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'd like you to eat something, if you can. Just something small." Dr. Arlet stood and extended his hand to help me up. "Come up slowly," he said. I stood feeling the world shake a little around me. It wasn't hard to piece together what had happened. I had a hallucination. I felt ashamed as he walked with me back to my table. Sitting down, I noticed that a few people had already finished eating and left. How long had I been sitting behind that curtain?

"Jean! We need to have a team meeting to discuss our next course of action!" Sasha yelled, occupying Eren's seat. He was nowhere to be seen, thank God. I started eating the small bowl of soup that had been placed in front of me as she explained her plan. We were going to wander around outside of Dr. Smith's office to see if there were any more clues, before going to group session.

"We don't have group session today, Sasha. It's Tuesday, we only have group on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays."

"Well I have a group session everyday because I'm in more groups than you because people like me more than you, Connie!"

"You just have more group sessions because you need more help than me!"

"Both of you shut up." I couldn't handle their bickering. We'd always reach the point where Sasha's immaturity and Connie's irritability hit their breaking points. They'd go at each other non-stop if I didn't put on end to it. "I like the idea of investigating Dr. Smith's office. Should we do that now?"

"No! He said I needed more help than him and you know that's not true. I want him to apologize before I consider continuing to investigate with you two."

"Not going to happen," Connie crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from her. I sighed and finished off the last of my soup. I had wanted to see them today, but enough was enough. Standing up, I told them that I needed some time alone and I would catch up with them again at dinner. Dr. Arlet always said that sometimes just walking away was the best thing I could do for my mental health. I left the cafeteria and headed back to my room. There was a nice comfortable area of floor waiting for me.

_Hiding again?_

Just for a little bit.

_Don't do that. Just go back to Connie and Sasha. You were looking forward to seeing them today._

No, they'll just keep fighting and I don't think I can handle that right now. They're annoying when they're like that.

_But do you really need to hide? Why not go to the gym or go watch TV or even go hang out with Mikasa or Krista?_

Don't want to.

_Where are you going, Jean?_

I realized I had wandered outside, back onto the lawn. I didn't remember how I got out there, but the breeze felt nice. I was torn; I wanted to stay outside and feel the breeze, but I also wanted to go sit in my room alone and let some time pass by. I didn't really get a chance to decide. At that moment, Dr. Smith came wandering around the corner of the building. He was the Medical Director for Trost Psychiatric Facility: which was the fancy way of saying he was in charge of this place. He was accompanied by a younger man, who looked like he couldn't have been more than a year older than me. He had short black hair that was parted in the middle and freckles all over this face. I was able to piece together that this was probably Dr. Arlet's new intern. I also think that I had solved the mystery of who the new doctor was. This guy looked just like the man we had seen coming up the path earlier that day. Dr. Smith saw me standing outside the front doors, and he raised his eyebrows. I guess it was strange for someone to just be standing outside the doors, not going anywhere, but I was sure he'd seen stranger. He motioned to the younger man and they made their way over to me.

I wanted to go back inside and avoid them, but I got the strange feeling that I had to stay put. I felt like something was blocking my way behind me, so I decided not to fight it and just let them come and talk to me. That's all every doctor ever wanted to do: talk. I hated it. I'd rather just sit quietly, alone in my room.

"Jean?" Dr. Smith looked a little puzzled. "What're you doing here?"

"Just a nice day out," I said, shrugging. I didn't want to tell him I wandered out here without realizing it.

"Didn't Dr. Arlet tell you to stay inside?" Dr. Smith looked stern. The freckled man next to him was watching intently.

"No, he just told me to make sure I ate something."

"I think you should stay inside today. Why don't we get you back to your room? Mr. Bodt here can take you." Mr. Bodt stepped forward, smiling. I struggled to return the smile. It was such a nice day out; it'd be a shame to stay inside.

_But we can hide._

Hiding was a good idea. Going back to my room was a good idea. I followed Dr. Smith and Mr. Bodt inside. Dr. Smith pointed us down the right hallway and left us to walk together in silence. I wasn't very good at making conversation, especially with someone I didn't know.

"Jean, right?" Mr. Bodt asked. He was still watching me. His eyes were dark like his hair. I found myself getting lost in them. He had this dorky, excited expression on his face, like I was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. The guy must get off on crazy people. Fucking weirdo.

"Yeah," I responded after a few seconds.

"Call me Marco." He held out his hand. I took it, not remember the last time someone tried to shake my hand. This guy was weird. He didn't seem like a doctor, he was way too friendly. Dr. Arlet was nice and all but Mr. Bodt—Marco—was different. It was kind of nice.

_He's manipulating you; getting you to trust him so he can experiment on you._

"So, are you Dr. Arlet's intern?"

"Yeah! I'm doing my graduate work at Trost Uni just up the road." Marco was beaming. He seemed way too happy. It wasn't normal. Or maybe it was. I guess I didn't really know what was normal. Nothing here was normal. "Are you one of Dr. Arlet's patients?"

I nodded slowly. I met with Dr. Arlet every other day, and sometimes on the in between days when he thought I wasn't doing well. He held the group session that Connie, Sasha and I went to also. I hated those group sessions. You were supposed to talk to everyone about what's going on and how you're doing but everyone knew that you were messed up even if you said you were okay. You only ended up in here if you messed up big outside. I didn't like sharing that story.

"Then it looks like I'll be getting to know you pretty well!" he said as we reached my door. I said goodbye to him and went inside. The clock on the wall was ticking away, loud in the otherwise silent room. The shirt I had slept in last night was still on the floor and my bed was still unmade. I guess I forgot to clean up this morning. I quickly threw the shirt into my laundry bin and pulled the sheets up on the bed before opening my closet door and sitting on the floor. I looked up at the clock on the wall. Half past one.

_Jean._

What do you want?

_Hurt yourself._

Why?

_Because you deserve it. _

But I don't want to hurt myself. Besides, Dr. Arlet said that I shouldn't—

_You're a coward. You always hide behind what he says. You always hide in this closet. What are you so afraid of?_

You. I'm afraid of you.

_Why? I'm not going to hurt you._

But you're telling me to hurt myself and I don't want to.

_You're pathetic._

I know I am, you don't need to remind me. But I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm not.

I shook my head violently, trying hard to clear it. That damn voice was going to drive me insane. All I wanted was to be alone, but he was always there. Always talking. He never stopped talking. He told me to do things, and I'd listen. I tried not to. I tried to tell myself that he didn't control me, but who was I kidding?

The clock ticked in the background as I continued to sit in my closet. It was almost two o'clock now. At six I had to be back in the cafeteria for dinner. That's how it worked, everyday. I got up at nine to be at breakfast by nine thirty. Then some days I would go talk to Dr. Arlet, and other days I would hang out with Connie. At twelve thirty we had lunch, which was too soon after breakfast for my liking but we didn't have much of a choice. Then after lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we'd have group sessions. But today was Tuesday, which meant I didn't have anything to do between now and dinner. I had a few books I could read, I could go down to the lounge area and watch TV, or go work out in the gym. But I didn't want to. I just wanted to sit here. Alone.

* * *

><p>This is my life. Every day is scheduled; every thought I have is recorded. And the worst part is: I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to a normal life outside this hospital. But that's what you get when a little voice tells you to do things and you listen.<p>

* * *

><p>AN:

Hello friends! So this idea came to me after watching Silver Lining's Playbook and I thought it could make a good JeanMarco AU. Just over 8400 words. Blah.

Please point out any mistakes or any comments you want to make. Any suggestions are also very welcome.

See you in Chapter Two!


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